I still believe “gullible” is written on the ceiling. I fall for anything anyone says, even if it hints at being a joke. I’ve never been good at deciphering what’s the truth and what’s fake. I also can’t lie very well. All of the new friends I was making my freshman year of college learned this about me very quickly.
I was exiting my dorm room, leaving my friends Kirsten and Brandon, who were currently dating at the time, to wait for my roommate to come back shortly. As I was swinging the door shut, I hollered, “Don’t have sex while I’m gone!”
Kirsten couldn’t stop laughing at how innocently and unexpectedly I said it. I have no idea what prompted me to say that, I guess I was trying to be funny.
As I was heading back to my dorm an hour and 20 minutes later after a tap dancing class, I looked at my phone notifications. I had three missed called from my roommate, Sophie. She rarely calls me, she’s very much a texting person. Getting worried at this point, I listened to all three voicemails she left too, to hear the same scenario in each: she lost her keys, the door to our dorm was locked, she’s wandering campus to wait for me to get back. And she heard music playing in our room. Confused, I think back to how Sophie could be locked out. I swore she had her keys when she left, and when I left I didn’t lock the door because Kirsten and Brandon- uh oh.
Sprinting, I try to call Sophie, but only get her voicemail.
“KIRSTEN AND BRANDON ARE HAVING SEX IN OUR ROOM! I’M RUNNING BACK NOW!”
I enter my all-female dormitory to see Lauren, my other best friend, watching tv in the common area with one of our RAs. They both notice I’m distressed. In a hushed voice, I try to tell Lauren the situation, but my voice was clearly louder than I assumed, since the RA heard every word and chimed in that we should try to stop them as she was following us up to the second floor. As we climbed the stairs, I started to hear music getting louder and louder. I open the door from our stairway to hear the blaring sounds of a seductive clarinet. Every girl on my floor is out in the hallway just as confused as I was.
“Kenny G has been blasting from your room for the past 20 minutes! What is Sophie doing in there?”
I explain the situation to the 10 or so girls in the hallway, still wondering where the hell Sophie was and why I haven’t heard back from her.
“Who the hell has sex to Kenny G?!”, one girl exclaimed.
I felt a vibration in my coat pocket, finally. I rushed to the other end of the hallway to answer Sophie’s call, leaving the girls to decipher what the next plan of action was to stop the deafening sounds of sexy clarinet.
“Megan, what the fuck is happening? I left to go to the theatre building to wait for you! I’m starting to make my way up there now.”
I explained the current situation, hearing her getting angry, saying I shouldn’t wait for her and just go on in and embarrass them. After I hung up and told the girls what Sophie said, they all agreed with her. As I reached for the door handle, I took a deep breath, trying to gather all my courage to try to stand up for myself and for my living space. I cracked open the door enough to see clothes scattered all over the floor and two bodies rustling under the sheets of Sophie’s bed! I barely opened it to only slam it shut a second later.
“Are they having sex?!”
“Why is Kenny G still playing?”
Furious, I stomp back to the other side of the hallway. I couldn’t believe it! I only said it as a joke, why would they actually be having sex in our room? I try to call Sophie back one more time, but there’s no answer. Lauren screams to me, “Want me to go in and pretend I’m looking for you? I don’t care what I see. I’m down to destroy and embarrass them!” I let Lauren take the wheel because at this point, I had no idea what to do. Sophie’s line kept ringing with no answer. I was getting frustrated because I didn’t want to have to deal with any conflicts tonight. Then, I faintly heard Lauren open my door.
Then I heard softly, then louder and louder, Lauren’s laughter roaring through the hallway.
I peeped my head around the corner to see all the girls crowding around my door and Lauren with a shit-eating grin on her face. It all hit at once. The multiple phone calls. The weird way the sheets were moving on the bed. The message I gave before I left. The giggles. The Kenny G. I couldn’t believe it. I stormed down the hallway, hoping what I realized wasn’t true. Alas, it was. If I had opened the door a little further, I would’ve found Sophie sitting on my bed, eating a cheesecake while holding my stuffed animals, watching Kirsten and Brandon having “sex” in her bed.
I just got pranked.
Kirsten and Brandon emerged from under the sheets in stitches, Sophie barely able to swallow the giant piece of cheesecake she just inhaled.
Furious, embarrassed, and slightly amazed at how well played out it all was, I stomped down to the common area on the first floor. Everyone apologized, pulling me into a group hug, still leaving me grumpy. They all tried to make me feel better, even though they couldn’t stop recounting what my expression looked like when I opened the door.
By the first class the next morning, everyone in our department knew what befell in Johnson 201 the night before. No one could listen to Kenny G the same way again.
****Names were changed***